I believe I ended my last entry by saying "things like this never last," or something along those lines.
It didn't last. He ended it twice, once after an apologetic coffee meet-up, standing in Astor Place, which concluded thusly:
He, leans into kiss me. Stops. Moves back.
Me: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
Him: I don't know.
I watch him walk away.
And then a second time, a month later, after we had reconciled briefly for one last museum visit/movie screening, after we both had gone home for a month, after we exchanged addresses yet he never wrote to me. After we both got back to New York. And it concluded thusly:
Him, standing in my doorway: I just don't know what I want right now. I'm sorry.
Me: Okay.
I shut the door, not having the courage to say anything else in response to that.
So, that's how it ended. Not with a bang, but with two whimpers. And I've spent the last two months or so (there's some overlap in time, because I started treating it like it was over before it actually was) trying to understand why. And I've come up with plenty of reasons why it ended - I'm not delusional - but I'm still awful sore about it. And I think I'm still sore because it came at a strange time in my life, as I was entering a new stage of adulthood and I just felt everything so deeply this summer.
Anyway, enough about him. I've got someone new, who's very nice, can grow a beard, and makes me laugh. I'm predicting good things in our future.
I'm taking a class on Italian Cinema with the most charming-accented teacher - Stefano - and whenever he talks about NeoRealism, he talks about it in terms of "Moments of Stasis" - moments in real time that don't affect the plot but develop mood, character, and add to a sense of realism. I feel like my life right now is full of these moments of stasis, where I'm not doing anything productive and I'm not feeling anything except malaise. Where the summer felt like it was moving by so fast, autumn is just dragging its heels. Part of this has to do with my seasonal depression, but I do really feel like I'm stuck.
Kind of a bummer of an entry, next time will be better.
Alain Delon - hot bitch...french yet still in hot bitchy italian movies
