On Anger

My great-uncle Gabe had a family home in Palestine - an olive orchard.  Apparently, it was quite beautiful; when grandparents championed the virtues of the proverbial "old country," this was what they could have been speaking of.

His family was evicted around 1948.  It is now a library for israeli children.

This was a story my mother always told me.  I suppose one could dispute the veracity of this tale.  The truth gets twisted and tangled over the years - especially between continents.  But the message is clear enough.

My whole body hurts right now.  For all of them.

Seventeen

Christmas was nice.  I got a new camera and I discovered that my grandma has a really nice mink coat.

Also my brother got a robot dinosaur.  My father gave my mom a beautiful turquoise ring.  Turquoise symbolizes healing, apparently.  Things are looking up, and I'm very happy.

Sixteen

Joe Skinner is 6'1" and has blonde hair and green eyes.  He likes contests, Warren Buffett, Pixar, Load Records, and me.

Fifteen

I woke up this morning from a nightmare - Phil Collins had murdered his entire family.

I don't know what that means.  All I know is that I won't be able to listen to his music for a long time...not like I was a big fan to begin with or anything.

Twelve

There are more things I don't miss about high school than there are freckles on Little Orphan Annie.

But I will admit one thing - I was cool in high school.  I cared about things.  I found as much music as I could get my hands on.  I collected records.  I had my own studio in our cellar, the walls of which were littered with my graffiti.  I took a ton of pictures.  I went to concerts on the weekends.  I was different than everyone else and I felt special and desirable and exotic.

Now I sit in my room most of the time, looking at other people's lives through the computer screen.  I've been discouraged from trying to be different in New York: it's just too damned hard.  I'm a blog-reading blob whose soul died about a year ago.

I can't see myself as being interesting or desirable anymore.  And that hurts.

Eleven

FOR REAL THIS JUST HAPPENED:

Drew (whispering to me in Film Theory): What the hell is she (Prof. Chris Straayer) talking about?

Chris Straayer (from podium aaaall the way in front):  Well, what I'm talking about here is Baudrillarde's thoughts on the binary.

THE COINCIDENCE IS BLOWING MY MIND

Ten

I'm super depressed.  I missed all of my classes because I couldn't get out of bed.  My room is a mess, I'm freaking out about finals, and I ruined my one meal of the day by undercooking it.

Please help.